who am I?

So here I sit in a lovely hotel room. No kids, no husband, no dog, no real work to do.....just me. I have wined and dined, I have total control of the remote, and there is NO Mt. Dew on the floor. And yet, I am lost. I could sleep until 10 if I wanted (do not tell my soon to be ex-employer) and I wake up at 7:15. There is nothing on TV.

I think of my boys.... what are they doing? One is farmed out on the farm, two are with mom and dad, and the big boy is at Bee Camp in Clemson.

I do a little work on the computer for my current job. Emails, writing, etc.

Still, I am restless. Walking back to the hotel after a small shopping spree, I had a revelation. It could have been a heat-related incident but I prefer the term revelation.

I know who I am as a mom, wife and employee. I know who I am as a daughter, friend, blah, blah, blah.... But who am I as ME? I have many hats but I am not sure I know what the "Me" hat looks like. Do small parts of each of the other hats make up the "me" hat? definitely... but what about the part that is just me? where is it? what is it? I am not sure.

This quest to do something different was important to me on many levels. First, I wanted to be a better parent and wife. I was afraid that the job I have now was consuming me. At the end of most days, I had nothing left to give to my family.

Creatively, I was drowning. There was too much to do to do it well. Even though I seem compulsively disorganized and messy, I really crave perfection. If I cannot do things just right, I lose interest and don't want to do them at all. Hence my messy world. If it gets to be too much, I lose desire to fix it at all. My job is full of LOTS of different things to do and I am tired of doing them all.

I am discovering that I probably have ADD. I really have all of the symptoms and signs. In fact, I filled out a survey a while back and now I get emails that say, "How do you treat your ADD?" Huh? What? Oh looky, another email about cooking - I'll read that.....

So, this new quest is also a quest to find me again. I know parts of me and I even like parts of me. There are definitely parts I don't like, though, and there are surely parts of me that I wish were smaller! ;0)

It's time to re-evaluate, re-discover and maybe re-invent just a little. The good news is that God knows the real me and He loves me unconditionally. If I focus on that, the real me will emerge.